My teen has low self-esteem, is isolated and can't maintain friendships, what can I do to help?
Low self-esteem is a common issue teenagers, affecting their mental health and overall well-being. It can lead to feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, isolation and even depression.
In today's society, where social media and peer are prevalent, it's more important than ever to address this issue and provide support for teens struggling with low self-esteem. In this article we'll explore the causes that trigger low self-esteem in teens, as well as practical tips for you, parents, to apply at home with your teen.
Where does it come from?
First, let's understand why low self-esteem is even a thing during teenage years.
There are 3 steps in teenage years:
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-Early adolescence from 11 to 13 years old,
-Middle adolescence from 14 to 18 years old
-Late adolescence from 19 to 25 years old.
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Very often, many parents see their teens have issues with their body image, their self esteem and social anxiety during the middle stage of adolescence.
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The reason for that is during this phase, teens brains will focus mostly on their person, who they are , what defines them, and discover if they are “worthy of belonging” in their world.
A lot of times, when teens don’t learn ways they can get to discover who they are, don’t understand the importance of self-talk, or if they feel like they can’t belong, then symptoms of isolation, depression, anxiety, low self esteem, low self confidence and social anxiety appear.
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If your teen is currently going through this, here is what I suggest for you to try at home, as a parent.
1. Help your teen assess themselves: self-talk.
Managing self talk is one important key to happiness. It is crucial for you and your teen to understand that the way individuals talk to themselves will directly impact how individuals feel.
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Explain to your teen the importance for them to be patient and friends with themselves, instead of putting pressure on themselves.
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Point out the difference between healthy pressure : “You can do this”, “let’s overcome this challenge”, “let’s see how you do in this situation”
And unhealthy pressure “of course, you failed, what did you expect anyways”, “you suck”, “you showed everyone you aren’t worth much”.
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Explain how negative self talk will negatively affect their lives, will only diminish themselves. Negative self talk does not push individuals to be better, it only makes life more difficult and heavy to carry.
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Negative self talk does not make you better, it only makes life more difficult.
2. Allow and value mistakes.
In our society, mistakes are seen as negative and unwanted.
Many individuals carry judgemental self-talk, especially regarding making mistakes.
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However, it will be important for you parents and for your teen to understand that mistakes is a crucial, an important aspect of life, that is needed in order to succeed.
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Individuals cannot reach wanted goals without making mistakes on the way.
Mistakes will point out what needs to be changed in order to successfully complete the goal.
Teenage years are the “try out” phase before adulthood. Many mistakes will be made.
Let me rephrase this, many mistakes NEED to be made during teenage years, in order to become the adult wanted.
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However, as parents, it can be difficult to let your teen make mistakes. The objective is not for your teen to get a criminal record, or get into dangerous situations that can create hurt or lose of life.
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As a parent, it will be crucial for you to guide your teen, show them how certain decisions will lead to dangerous situations and put in place boundaries, while explaining why these boundaries exist.
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If you are having issues with your teen not following your guidance, not respecting boundaries and lying, I strongly suggest for you to restore your attachment style.
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What attachment is, how to create it and how to maintain it with your teen is explained in depth in my book called “the lighthouse, A guide to parenting teens”.
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It is available to purchase on my website or Amazon.
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Many parents fear their teens making mistakes, and will not allow any mistakes to be made. This can lead teens to freeze, isolate and self criticise each time a mistake is made. Not having space to make mistakes can create negative self-talk, anxiety, low self esteem and social anxiety.
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Explain to your teen the importance of making mistakes, how making mistakes is not directly linked to worth and value. Explain how making mistakes is needed, and how it does not define who they are.
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My stepdaughter asked me one day:
If mistakes are not defining who I am, then what defines who I am?
To this, I answered: what will define you will be:
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-your strengths and your weaknesses to situations you meet
-how you act in the world
-how you treat yourself
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This leads me to explain the third point in this article.
​3. Allow fun situations where your teen can explore the world, try out new situations.
​Help your teen discover their strengths, weaknesses, and help them find healthy mentors, role models and guidance.
Your teen will need activities where they can explore, experiment and assess their capacities.
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Important fact: teenage brain development is solely based on exploration and experimentation of the world. This means if your teen doesn’t explore and try out new things, their brains won’t develop well.
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This explains why teens are prone to adrenaline activities and will put a huge priority on trying new things, to the cost of lying and manipulating.
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Allow them to connect and get guidance from healthy adults out of the home.
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Allow them to experience disappointment, frustration and allow them to maintain positive self talk while feeling these emotions.
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Allow them to experience feeling proud, accomplished and seeing progress in their own capacities.
After having tried these three points at home, please comment to explain how it went for you, and ask any questions you might have.
