My teen is being rude, angry and defiant.
What can I do?
Step 3
As a mental health therapist, I can assure you I see many angry, rude and closed off teenagers.
Throughout the 7 years experience working with teens, I identified a pattern I put in place in sessions to reduce anger, gain respect and heal relationships.
Let me explain to you what this pattern is, so you can try it at home, with your teen.
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If it works in my sessions, why would it not work for you at home?
This topic will be explained into 3 different articles, each presenting 1 step. I will teach you how you can gain respect from your teen, reduce attitude and rudeness, and let them open up to you, the same way I do in my sessions. ​​​​​
Continue building attachment
After having begun to build attachment with your teen,
it is time to start step 3.
As reviewed in step 2, attachment is one strong key to deleting anger and attitude. Attachment is based on four important pillars:
-Protection
-Trust
-Connection
-Space for growth
If you are reading this article, you should by now have begun building attachment with your teen.
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However, building attachment is a very fragile concept and can be threatened very easily by everyday chaos.
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In order to heal the relationship with your teen on the long term, it will be crucial for you to implement this third step.
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Step 1: identify the hurt
Step 2: build attachment
Step 3: begin the negotiation process ​
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Begin the negotiation process
Begining a negociation process will be very important to maintain a healthy attachment without anger and lies.
Hearing your teen, listening to their opinion and wishes, and doing activities with them sounds great on paper.
However, in real life, there will be times where your teen and yourself will not agree and will not see eye to eye.
As the parent, you are the anchor and protector. Building attachment will reinforce this role.
So, how can you manage to maintain attachment and respect, and still put in place boundaries and rules for your teen to respect, without anger and lies?
The short answer to this is by putting in place a negotiation process, where both you and your teen will have the space to express worries and needs and find a common agreement, without either parts having the monopole of control and over the other individual.
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How does doing a negociation process look like:
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01
Hear out your teen and assess what your teen would like.
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First, it will be important for you to understand what your teen is requiring from you.
Example:
"Mom, dad, can I go to out to the mall with a group of people my age (both boys and girls), then go to a party where there will be alcohol?"
02
After having heard your teen, it will be important for them to hear you out.
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Explain your worries and your limits in this situation.
Explain why you are okay with certain points, and why you are not okay with others. It is very important for you to give a clear explanation on why you have assessed certain situations as okay and other situations as not okay for your teen.
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Providing this clear explanation will be a way to help your teen assess situations for themselves later on in their own life.
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Your teen will not like hearing why you are disagreeing or why you aren't okay with certain situations, but keep strong boundaries.
03
Once both sides were expressed, the negociation process can begin.
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You are welcome to let your teen know clearly of the importance of meeting half way.
Let your teen know what points you are ready to make consessions on and which ones you are not.
From there, your teen may let you know what points are important for them.
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Keep strong boundaries and let them know of the importance for them to stay safe, while still having fun.
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Example:
"You going out in public with friends I don't know is difficult for me to agree with because there are numerous situations that could lead to problems in a mall. However, I trust you won't be doing silly decisions such as {fill out information fitting your situation here} so I am okay with you going to the mall with this group.
However, I am not okay you drinking with people you don't know well. Drinking at a party with many people you don't know well can lead to problems such as peer pressure, bad decisions such as getting in danger or inapropriate sexual behaviours. You are too young to find yourself in these situations.
Either you can't go to the party, but you can go to the mall, or you can go to the mall then to the party but I will be picking you up at 12PM and you are allowed to drink one drink."
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Maintain all 3 steps
After gaining a clear idea of ways to create attachment and negotiating with your teen, it will be crucial to maintain it on the long term.
The longer you build attachment, the stronger it will become.
Remember to maintain reliability and consistency to the following three pillars:
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-communication
-activities
-hearing and listening to your teen without judgement
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​Once having begun building a stronger communication through hearing your teen, building attachment and proceeding to negotiation, you are welcome to maintain all three processes on the long term.