My teen is being rude, angry and defiant.
What can I do?
Step 2
As a mental health therapist, I can assure you I see many angry, rude and closed off teenagers.
Throughout the 7 years experience working with teens, I identified a pattern I put in place in sessions to reduce anger, gain respect and heal relationships.
Let me explain to you what this pattern is, so you can try it at home, with your teen.
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If it works in my sessions, why would it not work for you at home?
This topic will be explained into 3 different articles, each presenting 1 step. I will teach you how you can gain respect from your teen, reduce attitude and rudeness, and let them open up to you, the same way I do in my sessions. ​​​​​
Start the healing process
After having identified the trigger(s) creating anger and defiance,
it is time to start step 2.
As reviewed in step 1, your teen most likely felt hurt through one or several mentioned aspects:
-feeling disrespected
-feeling unheard
-feeling lied to
-feeling betrayed
-feeling not understood
-receiving unrealistic pressures and expectations
If you are reading this article, you should by now have a better understanding and idea of which one applies to your teen.
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In order to heal the relationship with your teen, it will be crucial for you to begin healing the relationship.
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The first step to begin healing will be to listen.
Listening without argumenting, without finding excuses, without demeaning, blaming or gas lighting your teen.
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Listening does not mean agreeing. You are welcome to repeat what you heard to make sure you have understood what your teen is communicating.
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After having heard your teen, you might be able to apologise and let your teen know it will never happen again. Apologising can be healing.
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If you don't agree with what your teen is sharing, and if you perceive their reality of a situation as untrue, you are welcome to let them know, in a calm and centered way, that you will now share with them your version of the story. When sharing, make sure your teen listens to you, the same way you listened to them.
Remember, your teen doesn't have to agree, but just to listen.
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Build attachment
Building attachment can be done through communication and activities.
You are welcome to read my book, as it describes 10 detailed strategies to build attachment.
It's important to understand attachment is the important bond between a parent and teen, allowing for the teen to seek guidance and direction from the parent.
Attachment is based on four important pillars:
-Protection
-Trust
-Connection
-Space for growth
-Protection:
Feeling safe and protected by parents helps teens create confidence and a positive self-esteem. Knowing parents provide a protective shield can reduce anxiety, pressures and expectations often met during adolescence.
Parents showing protection against toxic people, bullying and dangerous situations can be a great example for teens to learn from.
-Trust:
When teens trust their parents, they are more likely to seek guidance and share thoughts and experiences with them.
Building trust requires consistent communication, reliability and clarity in decision making.
-Connection:
Teen brains will crave physical proximity and connection.
The more your teen will attach to you, the more they will want to spend time in the same space as you. Allow times in the week where your teen can hang out and relax with you. This can be watching movies, being on phones, communicating about their day, trying new activities and simply hanging out in the same space.
-Space for growth:
It is crucial for teens to have space to explore the world around them. Having the freedom to explore, make choices, make mistakes and learn from experiences is necessary for healthy growth into adulthood.
However, teens don't have to do such things alone. They can grow with the guidance and supervision of a healthy adult. If possible, an adult that is not part of the home.
Maintain attachment
After gaining a clear idea of ways to create attachment with your teen, it will be crucial to maintain it on the long term.
The longer you build attachment, the stronger it will become.
Remember to maintain reliability and consistency to the following three pillars:
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-communication
-activities
-hearing and listening to your teen without judgement
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​Once having begun the healing process, and began building attachment with your teen, you are welcome to look at the last and final step 3.
